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Can you help me edit this essay question and give advice?

Can you help me edit this essay question and give advice? Topic: Values to live by essay help
July 19, 2019 / By Murdanie
Question: When my mom was eight, she was determined to sacrifice. Fortunately her childhood dream did not come true, but she found a better way to achieve her own values. She became a journalist, a job that consumed the rest of her life. Mom worked ceaselessly for years. While pregnant, she was still writing and interviewing for a monograph, which resulted in threatened abortion more than once. She composed thousands of reports, and called for justice for millions of people, but like many other able women, she was forsaked by her husband. Busy with her work, mom leaves me in grandparents' house, and lives by herself. Within my memory, I have hardly slept with my mom. Even on Chinese New Year Eve, when every household throughout the country is having the biggest family feast together, mom is creating news in the office. I had cried when she had no time to look after me while I was sick, and I had protested by calling her "aunt" as she did not come back for weeks, but with age I slowly understood the responsibilities she is taking. She felt her dream fulfilled when workers' hardships were voiced, when corruptionists were denounced, and when stories of heroes were spreaded out through the public. What have been sustaining her seemingly lonely life for all these years were her love and dedication to the society. I realized that I should too, take the responsibility, and devote my life to the community I live in., because I truly feel that there is not much we could ask for in this world, but by giving we gain the greatest happiness. would this essay be revalant to this topic? describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, neighborhood, or community-- and how it influenced the person you are today.
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Best Answers: Can you help me edit this essay question and give advice?

Ken Ken | 8 days ago
You're writing in present tense: "busy with her work my mom leaves me" should be "busy with her work, my mom left me with my grandparents and lived by herself." "throughout the country is" should be "throughout the country was" "mom is creating" should be "mom was creating" "responsibilities she is" ---> "responsibities she was" "hardly slept with my mom" sounds akward. You could change it to "hardly slept in the same house" "what have been sustaining" should be "what had been sustaining" "all these years" should be "all those years" it would sound better if you said "I realized that I too should take the responsibility...." Overall good job! :)
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We found more questions related to the topic: Values to live by essay help


Ken Originally Answered: Can you edit my answer for a scholarship essay question?
My goal is to graduate from UNLV with a 3.7 GPA or higher and get accepted into medical school. I will accomplish this goal by doing my best and studying hard. I have improved my hard work ethic by placing myself in challenging courses and doing my best to get good grades. I have proved I work very hard by graduating from CSN with high honors.
Ken Originally Answered: Can you edit my answer for a scholarship essay question?
This may not be what you want to hear...but I think you should pick a more specific topic to answer this scholarship question. The prompt wants examples, and I think you may need to go in-depth in one sentence about it. Considering the length, this may be difficult.
Ken Originally Answered: Can you edit my answer for a scholarship essay question?
i've got been surfing online extra desirable than 3 hours right this moment searching for the solutions to an identical question, yet i've got no longer discovered any exciting debate like this. it relatively is notably properly worth adequate for me.

Hezron Hezron
Well, it sounds great. I but, you need to change the words like is and will because it already happened. I think it is is great, but be sure to take out those parts.
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Hezron Originally Answered: Can you read my essay and give me advice on how to improve it?
first paragraph- dont start a sentence with "but" (the third sentence). -last sentence, not good. say something about what you are going to say next- the key points of what you are going to say next. second- dont start a sentence with "or." this paragraph is repetiative. try putting facts and information in it. also watch out for punctuation. there a needed commas in there. third- doesnt really flow well. it just sounds like you are trying to say the same thing in different ways. watch punctuation here too. fourth- dont start a sentence with "because." last sentence- just say "Therefore, the driving age should not go up." cut of the end sh!t. you did a good job not using conjunctions (example- don't, can't, ect.). i dont know whats going on with that first random sentence right in the beginning... is that suppost to be the intro paragraph? you should have two other very vauge sentences in front of that what you have. i dont know about your school, but we need one intro paragraph, three body paragraphs, and one concluding paragraph. the intro and cuncluding would have three sentences and the bodies would hold eight. it seems like you rushed through this. and i dont think you did any research or anything at all on it. through the whole paper, it seems as if you are just trying to say the same thing in different words. it doesnt flow well. i think thats it. sorry if i was a little harsh. im just trying to help you before you turn in. good luck! edit- yeah, what the other answer said- you have to write out "fifteen." dont put the number.
Hezron Originally Answered: Can you read my essay and give me advice on how to improve it?
First of all, when you type a number (15), type it in word form. Here are some pointer you may want to consider: 1. Never, I mean NEVER, start a sentence with "or". It shows that you don't know how to write a correct sentence with proper grammar. 2. Double check you essay, you repeated things toooooo many times. It's like I was reading what a broken disc said.... 3. I love the vocabualry, but don't get overwhelmed. 4. Try to work on organizing your paper a bit better....you did good, though. This is a really nice essay, other that those 4 things I listed above, you essay is excellent!

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