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Please tell me if my story is good! It's only 2 paragraphs! NEED ADVICE?

Please tell me if my story is good! It's only 2 paragraphs! NEED ADVICE? Topic: How to write a short autobiography about myself
June 19, 2019 / By Mortimer
Question: If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, an what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. In the first place, that stuff bores me, and in the second place, my parents would have about two hemorrhages apiece if I told anything pretty personal about them. They're quite touchy about anything like that, especially my father. They're nice and all--I'm not saying that--but they're also touchy as hell. Besides, I'm not going to tell you my whole goddam autobiography or anything. I'll just tell you about this madman stuff that happened to me around last Christmas just before I got pretty run-down and had to come out here and take it easy. I mean that's all I told D.B. about, and he's my brother and all. He's in Hollywood. That isn't too far from this crumby place, and he comes over and visits me practically every week end. He's going to drive me home when I go home next month maybe. He just got a Jaguar. One of those little English jobs that can do around two hundred miles an hour. It cost him damn near four thousand bucks. He's got a lot of dough, now. He didn't use to. He used to be just a regular writer, when he was home. He wrote this terrific book of short stories, The Secret Goldfish, in case you never heard of him. The best one in it was "The Secret Goldfish." It was about this little kid that wouldn't let anybody look at his goldfish because he'd bought it with his own money. It killed me. Now he's out in Hollywood, D.B., being a prostitute. If there's one thing I hate, it's the movies. Don't even mention them to me. Where I want to start telling is the day I left Pencey Prep. Pencey Prep is this school that's in Agerstown, Pennsylvania. You probably heard of it. You've probably seen the ads, anyway. They advertise in about a thousand magazines, always showing some hotshot guy on a horse jumping over a fence. Like as if all you ever did at Pencey was play polo all the time. I never even once saw a horse anywhere near the place. And underneath the guy on the horse's picture, it always says: "Since 1888 we have been molding boys into splendid, clear-thinking young men." Strictly for the birds. They don't do any damn more molding at Pencey than they do at any other school. And I didn't know anybody there that was splendid and clear-thinking and all. Maybe two guys. If that many. And they probably came to Pencey that way. Okay, I know what you're thinking. Just answer the question, do you think this story is good, even if it's mine or not. JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION PLEASE! THANKS, and I know a lot of people are gonna hate me, so please don't be one of them. I'm not a theif either, I'm just testing something. And if you don't undertsnad anything I'm talking about, just forget I said it and tell me what you think of the story!
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Best Answers: Please tell me if my story is good! It's only 2 paragraphs! NEED ADVICE?

Kelcey Kelcey | 10 days ago
It's Cather in the Rye. I recognized it from the first two sentences, so I skipped reading it all. And to answer your question, I loved the book. It's a classic piece of Literature. Some people are just to slow to understand the themes and symbolism it contains.
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Kelcey Originally Answered: Please tell me if my story is good! It's only 2 paragraphs! NEED ADVICE?
It's Cather in the Rye. I recognized it from the first two sentences, so I skipped reading it all. And to answer your question, I loved the book. It's a classic piece of Literature. Some people are just to slow to understand the themes and symbolism it contains.

Kelcey Originally Answered: Please can you read the prologue of my story and give me advice?
RedLucy, I did an edit on the first paragraph to show you some mistakes that really need addressing throughout your work. Look at the punctuation and sentence structure for the most part. He was here yesterday and today he is gone. I remember those words so clearly now; a ghost of my mother’s voice. She said those exact words after my father died. Now they were becoming so true, but for me, I knew what my fate held and what my destiny was. It was the option I was choosing. Death was to come soon anyway, but at least by doing this, I wouldn’t be giving up myself entirely. I might be giving up my life, but never my soul. To leave here, to leave my home, would be giving up my whole life. It would be like willingly handing my whole world over to death. However, I was leaving; I made my choice. I was leaving Armonia. I was leaving my home. Be careful with periods where commas should be, and vice versa. Don’t use the word HAD where you don’t need it in any form. He’d, They’d, I’d… It’s often not needed. For instance: She said those words after my father had died. You don’t need HAD here because died is already a past tense, therefore ‘after my father died’ is perfectly fine. When you ask questions on YA you’re going to get answers from people who are not writers, therefore, you’re going to get ‘this is great, you’re a great writer, etc…’ Offering you lip service is not helping you or your writing. Buy a few books on writing in general and study them carefully. Your story does sound interesting, but it does need work. PJ M
Kelcey Originally Answered: Please can you read the prologue of my story and give me advice?
Well first 3 paragraphs I didn't know what the hell was going on, you have a lot of sentences with 'I' but nothing to really ground your setting. So much attention to self and interior dialog makes it seem disembodied which normally is a bad thing, it's hard to pay attention so a floating disembodied voice. After reading the whole thing... I got the point that your character was dying, but it's not exactly a great hook. So my recommendation would be to cut out the thematic fragmentation. You mention the character's father, mother, and horse. You describe parts of the world, her values, her feelings, and culminate it all under the moment of death. It's fine that you want to address all these things, but not all during the prologue. Pick 2 or 3 and save some for later... you've got a whole book in which you can describe relationships, waterfalls, forests or the complexity of feelings. By relating to a previous life later on in the book you can compare and contrast memories and new discoveries. It's much more poignant to relive a memory in a sudden flashback, or to encounter a situation where a past relationship really impacts the present and the future of the story at a critical juncture. Let your readers discover the past, while exploring the plot, and pursuing the characters future.
Kelcey Originally Answered: Please can you read the prologue of my story and give me advice?
Well first three paragraphs I did not recognise what the hell used to be happening, you have got plenty of sentences with 'I' however not anything to quite floor your environment. So so much concentration to self and inside conversation makes it appear disembodied which almost always is a foul factor, it is tough to pay concentration so a floating disembodied voice. After studying the entire factor... I bought the factor that your man or woman used to be demise, however it is not precisely a excellent hook. So my advice might be to reduce out the thematic fragmentation. You point out the man or woman's father, mom, and horse. You describe constituents of the sector, her values, her emotions, and culminate all of it below the second of loss of life. It's pleasant that you simply wish to handle a lot of these matters, however now not all for the period of the prologue. Pick two or three and avoid wasting for later... you've gotten bought a entire guide where you'll describe relationships, waterfalls, forests or the complexity of emotions. By with regards to a earlier lifestyles in a while within the guide you'll evaluate and distinction reminiscences and new discoveries. It's a lot more poignant to relive a reminiscence in a unexpected flashback, or to come across a concern in which a beyond dating quite affects the reward and the way forward for the tale at a relevant juncture. Let your readers observe the beyond, whilst exploring the plot, and pursuing the characters long term.

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