Would you give me some sound advice?
Topic: How to write a thank you letter for gifts
June 16, 2019 / By Aldford Question:
I am 32 years old. My biological father, Jon, has basically never been a part of my life. My mother raised me with my stepdad (who is wonderful) since I was 2 years old, and I consider him to be my real father. When I was 7 years old, Jon came to see me for the first time, showered me with gifts and I remember everyone trying to make me go give him a hug. He was a stranger, and it was awquard, and also by that time I had had a Daddy and a new little brother in my life already. After that day, Jon disappeared again. Years passed, and then I was 18 years old John wanted to see me again. I flew to Washington to meet him and decided that it just wouldn't work out. Flash forward again to age 29, Jon began writing me letters, apologizing for years of not being there for me and proclaiming that "Daddy Jon is here for you now". I was married with two children by now, and didn't need another Daddy, I had one growing up and he was great. (Still is!) I wrote him back explaining this to him clearly, and I thought that would be that. Now he has started to call me every once in awhile and occasionally write letters again. He had a violent temper when my mom was married to him, and did some bad things to her. Since it was before I was born, I hold no grudges against him, but I really don't need him as a father to me and my mother has already told me that it hurts her that he is trying to keep getting into my life. He is even trying to send my kids stuff at Christmas because he says they are his grandkids, too. He has never met them, and recently wrote me a letter telling me that he's flying out to see us all in February and staying at my house. Didn't even ask me. He always talks very respectfully in his letters and over the phone, but how do I send him the message more clear that I don't mind talking to him occasionally on the phone but it would hurt my mom really bad if he came out here to visit. She lives close by and she would freak out. I have no feelings for the man one way or the other. I just want to be respectful is all. I also would like to tell him not to keep getting my kids involved by sending them packages. My husband opened this one recently that we got (I was at work-had no control over it.)
Thank you if you've read this novel!
Best Answers: Would you give me some sound advice?
Sylva | 2 days ago
I am in a very similar situation to you. My parents divorced when I was a baby, and my father showed up every now and then for a few hours or a day, but for the most part clearly was not interested in the responsibilities of fatherhood. Once I became an adult, I tried to have a friend relationship with him. I thought I had made it clear that I cannot learn how to have a father as an adult when I did not have one as a child. Unfortunately, he seems to appear from time to time and demand the benefits of having an adult child, like having me there when he needs support, and bragging about me as though he provided support in me becoming who I am.
You are going to have to have a serious talk with your biological father. Don't even bring your mother and how he treated her and her feelings into it; that is her battle and this is about you and him right now. Tell him that he was not your father when you were a child and needed one so he cannot expect to have a close relationship with you or your children now. He gave up his father privileges at the same time that he gave up his father responsibilities and cannot get them back now, no more than he can go back in time and be a father to you.The best you can offer him is talking like friends from time to to, but you don't get to abandon your child when they need you, then come back into their life when you need them. If he cannot accept that, then he cannot be in your life at all.
Set solid ground rules. No trying to "buy" your children. No making plans for trips without discussing it with you first. Be firm. Make it clear that trying to force his way in will result in him having no relationship with you at all.
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Sounds like he's trying to assuage his own guilt for being an absentee father.
Be cordial and friendly. Beyond that, you owe this man nothing.
You had a good life and were raised by a wonderful parents (your mother and stepfather). For that, you should be grateful. That's where your parental energies should be directed.
For Daddy Jon to insist that you put him up during his visit shows big time gall on his part. After all, he was never there for you when you needed him. You don't owe this man anything...certainly not room and board.
Simply tell him that he is welcome to visit, but you have no space in home your home to accommodate house guests (whether this is true or not is none of his business). He should stay in a hotel.
And if he still wants to visit, make an attempt to spend some time with him--maybe dinner at a restaurant with your husband. Have him over to your house for an afternoon with the grandchildren. But again, you don't owe him anymore than that.
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He probably has an overwhelming feeling of guilt! If you could bring yourself to tell him straight, once and for all, that he is not your Dad and to just let go, maybe, just maybe he will. I think that he needs some kind of closure, possibly from you. I write this to you as a father, whom, abandoned a 13 month old boy some 22 years ago. I live with this guilt on a daily basis, but I never did try to track him down, not ever,you know that makes me feel even guiltier, but I really don't want to put him, his family or my family through any of the possible scenarios,I just block him out of my mind most of the time, and will take my guilt and memories to my grave. You need to tel Jon to let go,now and forever. good luck.
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For the immediate issue, you need to call him and say that you are not interested in visiting and that he is not welcome to stay in your house. Make it clear you are willing to occasionally stay in touch via letters or phone calls, but you are not willing to pursue the relationship beyond that point at this time. Also let him know that you will be sending back any gifts sent for your kids. You need to be crystal clear in this conversation and may even want to document it in a letter in addition to your phone call. Don't bother to get into your reasons - these are just your wishes, plain and simple.
If he is not willing to respect these boundaries, you should consider speaking with an attorney and if needed, consider getting a restraining order. Anyone who presumes that they can show up and stay in your home without asking does not have a basic understanding of how to develop a relationship after past hurts.
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Sounds like the deadbeat wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he wants YOU to feed it to him. Don't do it. Make him earn it. If he's sincere, he'll walk over hot coals to earn your respect. If not, then you are better off. I see no problem here. He should be on here asking for advice, not you. And stick to your guns. My dad did the same thing to me and the next thing I knew I signed over title to my house and now my life is a nightmare. people don't change. I wish I was there to physically stop you from doing something you WILL regret, but all I can do is wish you good luck. We ain't the first and we ain't the last to get screwed over by daddy.
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Originally Answered: How to get over my ex! Please give me advice?
How to move on from your ex:
Remove Old Photos: Make sure there are no photos of you and your ex lying around the house. You could be having a great day and then all of a sudden go into a drawer and find a photo of the two of you hugging in a swimming pool. While you may not have gotten sunburned at the pool, you might have gotten burned by your ex and you don't need to be reminded of it. Pack up all of the photos and put them in a box far away from any place you could stumble upon it. Save cell phone pictures to a folder in a location you never or rarely go to.
Go New Places: Going to the same restaurants, cafés and coffee shops that you went to with your ex should be off your radar. It's best to find new places with new faces. Don't go into places where they know you as a couple when you want the world to now know you as a single person.
Remove Cell Phone Reminders: Delete any old voicemail messages or texts from your ex. That birthday text message your former partner sent you last year might have been cute then, but if you stumble upon it now it loses its luster. Clear out your inbox and make room for all the new messages and possibilities.
Select New Music: Don't listen to songs that remind you of your ex. There's nothing like making an effort to put your ex out of your mind and then the song that played when you started dating starts up on your iPod. Clear the decks and make a new playlist.
Login to Your New Life: The Internet probably contains many reminders of your ex. Your Facebook may need the biggest clean-up. Head in there and delete any photos with both of you together. Also, the friends that went over to your ex's side of the fence once the split happened should be unfriended immediately.
Think Positive Thoughts: It's not just physical things that can remind you of your ex. Thoughts that we have can change our outlook on life, so think positively. Don't remind yourself of all of the things your ex did that you couldn't stand. Instead, be positive and focus on all of the things you're going to achieve in your new life.
Make Notes of Your Progress: Write down the progress that you're making as a new single person. Get a journal and put down your thoughts as they come to you. List where you've been and where you're headed. This will keep your eye on the prize -- happiness.