Married & have a 4 month old baby & in love with another guy. Can you give me some advice?
Topic: Management and problem solving skills
July 19, 2019 / By Rosie Question:
My husband and I met in Nov. 2005. I was fresh 18 year old with my birthday have being that previous month & he was 24. Now he is 27 & I 20 turning 21. We started dating right away without getting to know each other and then move in together one month after dating. We got engaged 4 months after we first started dating. Things moved pretty quick. We actually didn't get married until last November in the justice of peace and that is because we found out we were gonna have a baby. Baby is here and everything has been turning out opposite from what I imagined. My husband and I argue constantly and he threatens to divorce me or i'll tell him about my concern with his health with his smoking and heavy drinking that he says "i was like this when you met me. If you don't like it then leave cause i will never change. And you knew that from the start." He has also told me that if it wasn't for the baby then me and him probably wouldn't still be together right now (and that's due to the fact of a little mistake i made last year in April when I a little intimate with a coworker of mine. It meant nothing but my husband & I got back together after that.) Well I started talking to one of my guy friends again that I've known for 5 years and has always been there for me whenever i needed him. So we start talking and a couple months go by and the conversations between my guy friend and i have changed emotionally and we have fallen for each other. He has asked me to be with him and leave my husband because he promises he won't treat me like that and i may also add he is a non-smoker. =D Anyways, now i'm in a mess. My guy friend proclaimed his love for me and my husband loves me too. I want what is best for me and I have never taken any chances or risks in my life to have a better life and would love to know what people out there have to say about any advice to me. Oh and my best girl friend told me " No offense to your husband but you don't look like you will be happy with him for the rest of your life but when I see you and your guy friend together you should see the way you guys look at each other and how disgustingly cute you guys act around each other."
Best Answers: Married & have a 4 month old baby & in love with another guy. Can you give me some advice?
Myrtle | 4 days ago
Cohabiting is a very dangerous step in a relationship. I am actually in a marriage and family development course, and the odds of the two of you "making it" are not high. there are many red flags in your relationship:
- age difference
- dating before development of friendship
- cohabiting after one month
- premature engagement/ marriage
- no conflict management skills
- outside love affair
- unhappy with lifestyle
- lack of friend's approval
okay, so you two may have rushed a bit. my suggestion is: don't give up. try not to associate yourself with this new friend, as it may cause maritual conflict.
try to get involved in some sort of marriage counseling services, if that does not wok, or your husband deems it unnecessary, try delving yourselves into some maritual books. my husband and i got married in august (we began dating in november of 2005 as well). we are currently going over "should we stay together" by Jeffry H. Larson. It's a great book
one of the exercises involves discussing an area in which the two of you disagree for 3 minutes trying not to argue, but work out your differences. you record your 3 minute discussion, then listen to it, and then discuss how you could have better solved the problem. it's a great exercise.
if your husband is unwilling to try to work things out, it may be better for you, and your baby to leave the relationship.
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Originally Answered: This may be a silly question, however, Can a baby give themselves Shaken Baby Syndrome?
Sadly too many people think that SBS can be caused by rough play and normal activities. Its not to say that you can't hurt a baby with rough play but you won't cause SBS; and giving misleading information about it does not help anyone.
Any impartial observer witnessing something that could cause SBS would know that what they are seeing is child abuse, end of story. Now parents that are angry and have lost control are not impartial observers.
The National Center and its International Advisory Board issues this position statement on the relationship between shaken baby syndrome and normal affectionate handling or innocent play activities:
Shaken baby syndrome, which may result in severe brain trauma, is caused when a child is violently shaken such that the head is subjected to back and forth motion in one or more directions resulting in rapid repeated severe acceleration and deceleration of the head. The medical literature and ongoing research around the world have characterized shaken baby syndrome as well as other forms of accidental and non-accidental injury. Activities involving an infant or a child such as tossing in the air, bouncing on the knee, placing a child in an infant swing or jogging with them in a back pack, do not cause the brain, bone, and eye injuries characteristic of shaken baby syndrome.
The National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome recognizes and supports positions offered by The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and the National Association of Medical Examiners (NAME) in reference to the mechanisms that cause shaken baby syndrome. The forces required are distinctly different than those sustained by children in the activities described above or in short falls.
The American Academy of Pediatrics Technical Report on shaken baby syndrome reads:
The act of shaking leading to shaken baby syndrome is so violent that individuals observing it would recognize it as dangerous and likely to kill the child. Shaken baby syndrome injuries are the result of violent trauma. The constellation of these injuries does not occur with short falls, seizures, or as a consequence of vaccination. Shaking by itself may cause serious or fatal injuries. In many instances, there may be other forms of head trauma, including impact injuries. Thus, the term shaken/slam syndrome (or shaken-impact syndrome) may more accurately reflect the age range of the victims (who are not always babies) and the mechanisms of injury seen. Such shaking often results from tension and frustration generated by a baby's crying or irritability, yet crying is not a legal justification for such violence...
...Shaken baby syndrome awareness programs that erroneously state that shaken baby syndrome may be caused by bouncing a child on a knee, by tossing him in the air, or even by rough play are to be discouraged, because they are inaccurate and may cause parents who have not abused their child to feel guilty. (American Academy of Pediatrics [AAP], 2001)
Additionally the National Association of Medical Examiners Ad Hoc Committee on Shaken Baby Syndrome states:
...experts in many scientific fields have investigated whether such apparently innocent practices as tossing a baby into the air and other playful maneuvers might cause brain damage by a similar shaking mechanism. Currently, it is generally accepted that such playful practices do not result in injuries to the young child's brain. The type of shaking that is thought to result in significant brain injury involves holding the child by the thorax or an extremity and violently shaking the child back and forth, causing the head to forcefully whiplash forward and backward with repeated accelerations and decelerations in each direction. (Case et al., 2001)
You are obviously aware of the mistake you made of moving in with him after only one month, then getting engaged so fast. This man you are married to is not the right one for you....aside of the fact that he drinks and smokes too much, he flat out told you that he wouldn't be with you right now if it weren't for your child.
You don't talk about what you and your husband had in common in the first place. Or if there is anything you guys really enjoy about each other? Is there anything that can hold you together? If so, maybe there is that chance, but my feeling is that you are right; your husband will not change his ways, and your "friend" has been the one for you all along.
Still, your husband does need help. He should seek counseling and he needs to stop the drinking....not only will it be better for him but keep in mind, he will also continue to be with your baby, when you work that out. You have to make this decision and I think your girlfriend can see how you would be for the rest of your life with this other guy....happy!!! But if you decide to be with him, don't rush into anything. Although you've been friends and you do know him, married life is different. He will need time to get used to being around your baby. You both should also talk about what you want in a marriage. I think this friend is the right guy for you....good luck!!
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If you are truely unhappy in your marriage then let it go. Do you really want to jump into another guys arms that fast?Ok lets say you leave your husband, where will you live? With the new guy?You will have to go to court your husband might say reason for divorce is the other man. Could you live with that? Ok lets say you did move in with the new guy, you got the divorce, what happens when you realize boy this happened really fast. I would not get married for at least 2 years. You are so young. Did you ever think about going back to school maybe get a degree to better yourself without having to worry about a man to support you. I know being young is hard but trading one guy for another guy might not be the answer. Maybe you need to be by yourself for a little while. goodluck
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hmm my marriage is opposite with wat i thought it would be too and some of his attitude is similar to my husband my husband has said that hes gonna divorce me things alot and now ive lost contact with him wat im saying is things turned worse and i thought he loved me before he stop contacting me but not anymore if ur husband really loves u i dont think he should have said those things to u even tho u made a mistake before anyway he decided to get back together with u then he shouldnt say those things i think u seem lucky in a way because there is a guy who loves u accepts ur situation and seems really care bout u u just said that ur husband loves u as well as ur guy friend but i think u should think who u love more and who makes u happier ur friend has said that u look happier with the other guy so i guess u loves him more and i think he loves u more than ur husband if i were u i would be with the guy friend and if u choose the guy friend wat is going to be worse? i think its worthy to do cuz it may make u much happier than now
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