Topic: Grading rubric for writing essays
June 26, 2019 / By Addison Question:
Here is the prompt: analyze similarities and differences in the rise of the following empires: Aztec and Mongol. This essay prompt is also for the post classical period, so 600-1450.
Here is my essay (excluding the intro paragraph except the thesis):
Although the rise of the Mongol and Aztec empires differed in the abilities of women during the post classical period, they were similar in that both empires expected various forms of tribute to be payed.
The Mongol and Aztec empires were different politically in women's abilities. In the Mongol empire, women had more rights. They could participate in the military, initiate a divorce from their husband, and could ride horses. On the other hand, in the Aztec empire, the women had no public role in their society. They could only bear a child and participate in marketplaces. While women in the Mongol empire could be active in their society, it caused them to make their economy stronger and by having women also participate in the military, and making them able to be larger and stronger.
The Mongol and Aztec empires were similar economically. They both expected some form of tribute to be payed. In the Mongol empire, they expected the conquered people to pay taxes and if they did, they would not be harmed. However, in the Aztec empire, the people had to pay tribute annually to be sacrificed. Territories also had to make payments of maize, beans, and other goods. While both the Mongols and Aztecs wanted their people to pay tribute, the Mongols use it for governmental purposes and the Aztecs used tribute for sacrificial and religious purposes.
Although the rise of the Mongol and Aztec empires differed the way women could participate in their society during the post classical period, they both used a form of tribute that was paid by the residents within each empire.
If you could, please give any helpful critiques you can give me. And also, give me a number grade based on the AP grading rubric for a compare and contrast essay.
Thank you so much!! I really appreciate it! :)
BTW, my teacher actually clarified that College Board defines the rise (of any empire) is what happens during the empire until they start to decline.
edit my intro please??:
The Mongol ad Aztec empires evolved on opposite sides of the world and with different techniques. The Mongol empire was established in the eastern hemisphere with a foundation basically already built previously. The Aztecs established their empire on the western hemisphere and will no foundation previously built because they were geographically isolated from the rest of the world to gain ideas and technologies built. Although the rise of the Mongol and Aztec empires differed in the rights of women during the post classical period, they were similar in that both empires made people pay various forms of tribute.
Talmai | 5 days ago
Re write the first line. It doesn't make sense to say "rise" and change the word "abilities" I don't think you mean ability, after all women have the same abilities, it just matters what they are allowed to do or contribute. Don't you really mean contributions or role of women? End the sentence after classical period and start a new sentence. The societies were similar...
Add why the role of women differed in the societies - was it political, cultural, religious?
Change While women in the M empire to Because women in the M empire - to show the cause and effect you are trying to describe. Because women in the Mongol empire could be active in their society, it made the economy stronger. By having women also participate in the military the Mongol empire had stronger defenses. (it sounds like the women were larger and stronger?)
While women in the Mongol empire could be active in their society, it caused them to make their economy stronger and by having women also participate in the military, and making them able to be larger and stronger. rewrite this - do you mean they were sacrificed they paid to be sacrificed?
While both the Mongols and Aztecs wanted their people to pay tribute, the Mongols use it for governmental purposes and the Aztecs used tribute for sacrificial and religious purposes. this line is well written because it is clear, tight and gives examples beyond the basic. try to get the rest of the essay to match up to it.
Originally Answered: Compare and contrast essay?
Start out, my friend ______ and I are similar and different in several ways.
(paragraph about you) ex:
I enjoy eating spinich in great helpings, yet my freind ____ does not. While she enjoys chocolate, I personnally can't stand the stuff. However, our differences come together when we both indulge in a delicious bowl of ice cream.
END IT SAPPY!!!
It's all our similarities and differences that pull us together and make us the greatest freinds.
Originally Answered: Compare and contrast essay?
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I actually have the same essay right now, and he pointed out to our class that you need to answer the question: the RISE of the empires. I'd add more about that.
you need to have a thesis sentence first--a unifying theory which classes your paper. Then, use that information to assist your thesis. that's what the AP* human beings will rigidity. I won't inform you what to place in writing...that's a gaining understanding of technique. you have the certainty. solid success!