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Could someone please check/edit or give advice for this essay?

Could someone please check/edit or give advice for this essay? Topic: Example of long essay about love
June 19, 2019 / By Peggy
Question: For Literature we have to describe a picture off the internet: http://parallelsthroughimage.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/forest_fire_mccolgan.jpg The teacher told us that our essay can be loosely based on the picture. For example I wrote about a phsycho who lights the fire. This essay is really important to me, so please could you help/give advice to me on it?? I'd be so thankful! So here it goes: I stop my car at the side of the forest. The sun is just going down, and I feel that the hour I have awaited all my life is coming closer. The sky fades to red, the same color that best describes my emotions at this moment. The memories of my past have haunted me too long, “but tonight I shall reign the forest” I mutter to myself. At night I sometime lie in bed, thinking of that pitiful day that ruined my life. The accident where nobody even looked at me afterwards. I was nobody, nothing, just air. But tonight people would see what they deserved. So much for all the care and love that I had gotten in my childhood. My heart pounds, as sweat pearls role down my forehead. My tongue feels dry, as I painfully swallow. The rumbling of thunder fills the air. The clouds that had been hanging miserably all day, finally let go of their tears. “Everybody is poignant today.” I whisper as I pull out the matches out of my pouch. I get out of my car, as I throw away the keys. “I won’t need them any longer after this”. The keys land with a thonk on the dry ground. I look at my belongings in the car for a last time as I walk towards the inside of the now dark and gloomy forest. The tall pine trees seem to rise into the heavens. Only a small ray of sunlight shines through the trees. My head ache becomes increasingly stronger. I get the feeling that I must suffocate any moment. I cautiously take out the matches and start to hold it against some dry leaves. I’m getting close to my dream. Dream to be in touch with fire. Get away from the miserable, desolate life that haunts over me, like a shadow cast over my eyes. It is full moon, as a stutter words that only I can understand. Yes! It catches fire. Slowly, like a wave of gold, it creaps down the slopes of the forest like magma. The trees start to light on fire, as the heat rises up to my face. My head is spinning, as continue to light the fire. One match after the other, getting rid of my horrid aggressions. The air fills with my chuckles, as I feel more powerful than ever. Midnight, a slow rustling becomes louder and louder, until the red and gold trees light up the forest. Grey smoke starts to cover the whole area, as a start to scream in excitement. The fire looks like fireworks reaching up into the sky. Inside I feel like I am burning up too, but as I take revenge on all the people who had lived next to this forest, and neglected me—a feeling of power takes up inside me. Now I sweat more than ever, my skin stings like burning coal, as I lay myself onto the ground. Sirens fill the air, but all I can hear inside my head are the voices telling me that I have done the right thing. I try to stagger out the hot, gleaming forest. Like a drunken man I again fall to the floor. Heat rises, as a stinging pain pierces into my head. A feeling of joy, but also loss fills up inside of me. I close my eyes, and cry tears of pain and regret. Why had I done such things? I close my eyes, and dream that amnesia takes over me. Forget everything of this wretched life. Maybe I could start over, start a family and get a new job. I lay down and prayed that I would wake up, and everything would just have been a dream.
Best Answer

Best Answers: Could someone please check/edit or give advice for this essay?

Maris Maris | 5 days ago
He doesn't seem psychotic and angry enough. It sounds like your trying to write a screen play. It should sound like a confession or someones last words.
👍 178 | 👎 5
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We found more questions related to the topic: Example of long essay about love


Maris Originally Answered: Can you help me edit this essay question and give advice?
You're writing in present tense: "busy with her work my mom leaves me" should be "busy with her work, my mom left me with my grandparents and lived by herself." "throughout the country is" should be "throughout the country was" "mom is creating" should be "mom was creating" "responsibilities she is" ---> "responsibities she was" "hardly slept with my mom" sounds akward. You could change it to "hardly slept in the same house" "what have been sustaining" should be "what had been sustaining" "all these years" should be "all those years" it would sound better if you said "I realized that I too should take the responsibility...." Overall good job! :)
Maris Originally Answered: Can you help me edit this essay question and give advice?
Well, it sounds great. I but, you need to change the words like is and will because it already happened. I think it is is great, but be sure to take out those parts.

Kristi Kristi
Thats very good!! I like the ending the best though! I think it is at least a B+ paper! (the grading differs by the teacher!)
👍 70 | 👎 1

Kristi Originally Answered: What do you think about my essay for commonapp? Check out and give any advices?
why dont you replace the 'but' with however... btw, you can't put 'and' after a full stop.. it's wrong... and I bet you're doing british english so it should be learnt not learned... you dont have to say 'slurping sounds' because can you possibly slurp without making a noise? just say that ' we are allowed to slurp while eating' and 'slurping while eating' 2nd last paragraph it should be ' I found the differences about tabble manners'.. repititions are not cool... I don't know how many times you used the word ' different' in your essays.. not good... 'we should not point at people' ' I've never even thought of going there' 'eight people' would be better... Don't use ' I mean' in essays.. it's not proper... Oh my... your essay's structure is very poor.. not to mention your grammar too.. it's not bad.. but I'm lazy to point all your errors... Find a thesaurus and use different words.. avoid repititions... Just to let you know, your essay is like in our ninth grade level.. which is bad, because you're now applying to college I guess your english should be better... and Commonapp? you're going to apply in the US... your English should be perfect if you want to apply in english speaking countries! I'm not saying that you must write bombastic words in your essays... because bombastic words will annoy people.. it's your writing style that is important.. how you structure it.. and so on... People like reading essays that flow... an essay that is well written should be simple and affects the reader at the end..
Kristi Originally Answered: What do you think about my essay for commonapp? Check out and give any advices?
Thats very good!! I like the ending the best though! I think it is at least a B+ paper! (the grading differs by the teacher!)

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