I'm really bitter about not being able to have a wedding:(?
Topic: How to write a person centered support plan
April 22, 2019 / By Oli Question:
To make a really long story short, my husband and I got married in court because his parents were giving us so much trouble and creating so many problems that an actual wedding wouldn't have been possible. We are both currently students and have been dreaming and trying to set up a wedding for the past year (as its something we really want).
I never in a million yrs imagined that having a wedding would be so hard and as a result have become REALLY bitter and almost angry about the situation.
His mother knows how much it means to me, him, and my family and purposely holds that leverage against us and has tried everything to cause fights, tension and stop us from being able to do it. She is a very mean hearted, insecure, and just plain bad person that controls her husband and everyone in their family and has a way of ensuring that nobody sympathizes with us, supports us, etc etc.
I just don't know what to do. I feel so beaten by my MIL and it is causing so much inner angst. We can't have a wedding without them (since I know my family would be so embaressed and uncomfortable and honestly, so would I). She sits behind the scenes, causes so much trouble by using my FIL, and acts all innocent about it. I liken it to playing a chess game - she isn't genuine with us or anyone, just maneuvers to get what she wants.
I need some real advice, anyone go through this? Have any thoughts, stories?
Well we were planning on saving the money from this summer, but then that brings up the anxiety of having them involved in the wedding, how to handle all the trouble/lies/BS we will inevitably go through, its just so hard. At first we expected them (very naively) to contribute $ since they are very well off and my MIL told us she wanted to..but only now do we realize she was leading us on a wild goose chase, and laughing to herself about it, because she never had any intentions of contributing but rather getting my husbands hopes up and then letting him down.
At this point the $$ isn't an issue as we will save for it, but i'm almost afraid of spending $$ out of fear they will ruin it for me? I just don't know...so confused and hung up..
Okay, for those that say move on and forget about it, thats not really an option. I don't want to live my life with so much regret. It will kill me. Its stupid but its important to the both of us. Everyone has one, why not us, you know?
Okay, so what EXACTLY should I do??? I think you guys are all right, this is all my fault. I was way to passive and let her push me around a lot.
What now??? I think its a little unreasonable to invite them the week of the wedding? We don't even talk to them. My husband hates his mom for what she has done. And for the person that wrote she can't let go of control, you are absolutely right on!! She doesn't want any part of anything she can't control. But she is damn clever...
If we had a wedding and didn't invite them, I'm sure they'd give us hell about it later - act all upset that they weren't invited, and how much they love us lol.
And it wouldn't be just her, it would be her stopping the entire family because she controls everyone.
Best Answers: I'm really bitter about not being able to have a wedding:(?
Lavern | 10 days ago
All I'm hearing is that she's strong & you're weak. You allowed this to happen so if you're going to be pissed at anyone, be pissed at yourself. Why did you give her so much power? People tend to not want to deal with passive aggressive @ssholes, but I welcome it. Avoiding conflict is even worse that putting yourself in the center of the storm. Look what happened to you. You couldn't confront the situation head on & now you're all bitter about your OWN WEDDING. Why? If it went down like that, you allowed it to happen. You conceded & accepted defeat. Next time let everyone know that they can come along for the ride but you're driving. And that's that.
👍 248 | 👎 10
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Originally Answered: Why am I so bitter all time?
look, i think we all think this way. everybody realizes at some point that everybody is wanna-bes and noone is real or perfectly cut out to be our ideal half-whether we're talking about friendship or love.
thing is how you cope with it. some people prefer not to think about it at all, so they can be happy most of the time, and this is perfectly fine.
other people don't want to live on illusions. the world is shitty and it won't change. so have your **** pie and try to taste/enjoy its dough more than its filling. this is perfectly fine too.
other people have thought of this fact but they keep denying the problem, which i figure out helps them move on with their lives (?). it's none of my biz really, if they can find "happiness" this way, good for them. but it's gonna rain crap- no matter what your cover is.
i don't think you're bitter- you said you don't hate anything. i think you're just the sarcastic type. so don't freak out. your age has nothing to do with that. ok, you may had your difficulties in the past (i'm not implying this is the case-just saying) but if you can relax about it drinking beer, smoking and making fun of it all- bitter fun to some there is- you're perfectly fine. some people may even think you're sexy.
truth is you sound disappointed- but who's not? you're just the analysing type. don't feel bad for it too. as i said, not everybody can just cover the mess of this world up and forget all about it. you're right to be disapointed. if you weren't disappointed, that would mean you're not sane.
now about the connection thing- this is really your biz. i know of people (my father is the number 1 when it comes to that) who just know everybody and feel good with everybody, and have a nice time with everybody BUT they are never truly connected. unless you're a hermit, you need to be somewhat social here. but still, noone says you also need to be intimate. my dad trusts noone really. he talks about stuff with jerks, has some drinks with them, he talks to nice people too and have fun with them as well, and has some closest friends, but still he doesn't believe in ultimate friendship. he will share some stuff with the good guys, but not everything,cause he just knows he needs to be with other people every once in a while. and that's it. then they may all go to heII.nothing wrong with that. if you think you're more of a loner and don't wish to be with jerks just to have fun, then don't.it's fine both ways. the thing is- try to feel good one way or another. it just has to do with what makes you happy.
plus, you're too young. nothingness may seem- or even may is a good choice right now, because you've just taken a very small dosage of the adult life.on the way, you may find out that nothingness is ignorance. and that the way in which you want to approach the world, the people is ____________ (fill the blank).
so my advice is: enjoy the nothingness while you can and feel good about everything you chose to do. there will be room for regret later. but still, it's better to regret for something that you did than for something that you didn't. so have one drink for me too and borrow me a cigar.
plus: do you think you can write? you might make a good comedy-satire writer. if you think you'd like that or that there's some talent in you, why don't you give it a shot?
Plain and simple, you have to work your way around her. This poor woman has no life, other than trying to make others miserable. The more you complain about her, the better her plan is working on you. And she loves it, doesn't she???
Go ahead and plan the entire thing....and I agree that a destination wedding would be perfect. DO NOT let any information out of the bag so that she somehow gets it. That means you need to tell others that is is VERY IMPORTANT to you and your husband they NOT tell her. If this is what it takes, this is what it takes.
Because, ultimately this is about YOU. Not HER. This is your day and you want it. You cannot let this woman stop you, because if you do, once again she has control. Time to put your foot down and be the one in control of your wedding, and your life.
You CAN, and SHOULD have a wedding without them. She can't ruin it for you if she's not there. And, if you do a destination wedding, be sure to keep it small, and as far away as possible. Think about it, if you try to plan this wedding, finally, and she's there. You'll be sorry, as she'll find some way to ruin it. So, you simply can't have her there. It will be a shame when she finds out and can't get on that plane fast enough!!!! Do not wait any longer and come up with excuses. Start making the plans now. The more time you waste or keep saying what if, the more you'll regret not doing anything about it.
As for when it's over, and you have to face her once again?? Tell her what a wonderful time you guys had, and that you've had enough. Of her. Because if you don't tell her, then no one else will. I think she is the way she is because people are afraid to speak their mind to her. But now it's your turn to do it. Do it!! You have to tell her what you think, that you're sick of her antics, her nonsense, and that you'll have no part of her life unless she changes.
I hope you get your wedding...you deserve it!!!!
👍 100 | 👎 4
well if your parents are all for it, why not get them and some of your friends and plan one anyway, without telling your MIL. then send her an invitation the week of, she will either show up or not, but that's mean on her behalf to deny you of that. every bride dream of her own wedding. and for her to cause problems for the two of you is just wrong.I know you want her at your wedding because of your soon to be husband, and im sorry that anybody would have to go through so much to be together. I say plan it w/o her, send an invite to it, and let that be that. Im sure your soon to be husband will understand and support you. Good luck and don't let her get to you. and if you really want her to be a part of your life, kill her with kindness. that's the only way to shut her up.
👍 91 | 👎 -2
Don't let her win. If you let her beat you at this she is going to have her nose in every single issue/plan you and your hubby have in the future.
I say you show her that you are a force to be reckoned with. Gather up a few of your trusted friends...you know those who are a little devious and can keep a secret lol and plan the wedding of your dreams! Since you would not feel right not inviting her keep it all on the down low until the day b4 your wedding when you have her invitation hand delivered. With only a 24 hour notice she wouldn't have enough time to screw up your plans, right? If she shows, great. If she doesn't then it's her loss.
👍 82 | 👎 -8
Yes she is his mother but that is all, He married you, I'm sure with her protesting all the time. And if what you say about her is true, Why in heavens name would you want her at the wedding? I wouldn't be embarrassed at all I'd feel blessed that you didn't have to put up her. Again she is controlling your life and wedding.Leave her out of it. My MIL was a pain the a** until the day she died, I didn't bow to her wishes and I didn't kiss her butt. I married her son not her, I was polite when I had to be, My father in law is a saint, we get along great and he has told me how proud of me he is because I didn't put up with her sh**. This has to be your decision but There is no way I would let her ruin my wedding again. And I'm sure your family and friends know how she is , so why feel embarrassed if she wasn't there? If this isn't a problem with your husband, don't have her there.
👍 73 | 👎 -14
My sister had the same problem. Her mother in law wanted to control all of the wedding arrangements, and when my sister and fiance dared to say no, she boycotted the wedding and told all of her fiances family to boycott the wedding.
Even though they were down 120 guests - it was the best wedding ever - everyone had a great time without those nasty people.
Just becauase you got married in a court doesnt mean you can't have a reception. Gather all your friends together, wear your gown again and book out a restaurant and have a blast. Invite who you want and leave out who you want.
👍 64 | 👎 -20
I know it might be hard, but maybe you should not invite them and not have them in your life. If your husband feels the way he does about his mother, and she really is that mean to you, you both will be the better not having her in your life. You don't need the stress in your marriage. It might mean your husband has to give up some other people in his family, but when you get married your spouse should always come before your family.
It's your wedding, you should have what you want, celebrate with the people you who really love you. Your wedding isn't about your mother in law and you shouldn't let her ruin it.
👍 55 | 👎 -26
Look at it this way there will always be the anniversarys. Maybe you can renew your vows. No need to worry about the things that has already happened cause you cant change it but you can plan for the future. The wedding is not what is important it is your relationship with you husband. If something would happen to you or him you wouldnt think about the wedding you would be thinking of him. Bitterness will cause problems for you and your marriage so try to just let it go and plan something for the future.
👍 46 | 👎 -32
If your husband agrees that his parents are intolerable, have your wedding and don't even invite his parents. From what you write it sounds as though his mom cannot let go of the only thing she has ever had control of.
👍 37 | 👎 -38
Originally Answered: Are all Atheist bitter?
Here, I'll go point by point so I get everything.
"Why do you get all defensive with religion, some people are just trying to help you dude."
I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't see it this way. I know, from your perspective, you are trying to share with me something that makes you happy and something that may (depending on what you believe) spare me from an eternity in hell if I heed your advice. And in that sense it would almost be more questionable if you DIDN'T try to help me. But try to imagine it from our perspective. For those of us who are Americans, we are inundated by religion. It would be like if everyone around you believed in fairies and wished upon shooting stars and got into arguments about which fairy was stronger and what exactly you had to do for your wishes to come true. You know it's all nonsense, but everyone around you sees it as a deadly serious matter. Wouldn't you be irritated?
"It will be cool to know how your daily life is"
Unless you are seriously pious and you do religion-related things on a daily basis, our daily lives are more likely than not exactly the same as yours. Personally my day usually consists of going to my college classes, then screwing around on the Internet for the rest of the day.
"what else do you guys expect out of life"
I try my best not to expect anything out of life. In my experience, the less you expect, the less you will be disappointed. I am quite happy just to get this very special chance to live as a member of an intelligent species, in a prosperous and technologically advanced nation. To expect more than that seems almost selfish to me.
"so if life stops after death does that mean you take advantage of every opportunity?"
Yes. You only get one life, and it only lasts eighty or ninety years (if you're lucky), so there is no time to waste.
"how do you deal with difficulties?"
Actually, when I get worked up about something, it really helps to "zoom out" until whatever is bothering me looks so small that it becomes absurd. For example if I'm stressed out about an exam, I think "I am one of seven billion human primates on one of sextillions of planets in an ever-expanding universe, and I am becoming upset because I am afraid of performing poorly on an assessment of my knowledge by another human primate, on a matter that is only important to human primates. My entire lifespan will be only 0.000000005% of the age of the universe so far, but for some reason this assessment is entirely occupying all of my concerns. That's pretty silly." And then I feel better. This even works for more serious things like deaths of loved ones, after the initial grief fades a little bit.
"Who do you turn to, do you follow someone? "
I try to read a lot of articles and books on philosophy, psychology, and other sciences, and form my own opinions based on what I read. If I can be said to turn to anyone in times of hardship, it's the knowledge I gain from my reading. I have certain people who I look up to as role models but no one who I follow exclusively like you might follow religious leaders.