Topic: Life case sprint
April 22, 2019 / By Abi Question:
Please point out all grammar mistakes, so i can fix them. I have an issue with finding my own mistakes in writing, if you know what i mean. Any criticism welcome, whether its boring, stupid, terrible, or whatever it is, thank you for reading! Im only 13, so please feel free! And if u could edit some mistakes, that would be genuinely awesome!
Bang! Bang! The guns fired. Bang! Bang! The tears started to stream down my sister’s face as I hid her behind the tree. We could smell the fresh scent of gun smoke in the glacial air. We crouch down, trying to catch our breaths. It took me a minute to decide whether to run, or stay. But there was no option left, even though I knew we were both dying for a minute to rest.
“Run,” I cried.
She didn’t need anymore explanations or details to understand what I mean. She knows what kind of danger we’re in, being hunted by the prosecutors. Sem is smart enough to know that there’s not a second to waste. None.
As we dashed farther into the abandoned woods, dawn starts to catch the sunlight’s warmth. I watched as the breeze blew Sem’s bangs to side, showing her beautiful face. I loved her more then anything; if I lose her, ill never see the point in living. Now, both of us heard the footsteps sprinting towards us as well. There was no stopping. We saw them approaching upon the fourth tree farthest from us. The bad news increased when I found out that the leader took Sem’s throwing knife.
“My throwing knife,” Sem whispered in a disgusted tone.
I remember when she was five. My mother died from being stabbed into the chest by a Mercoal. Mercoals are people who were hired by Pearls, to kill people. And Pearls, are people who are rich and wealthy, and don’t have to spend their life fighting against survival. Pearls are usually harsh and cruel, and are drawn into the thrill of killing people with poor families trying to make a living. But I guess this Pearl had a reason to kill my mother. Unfortunately. We were out of food, so my mother stole some deer meat from the Pearl’s fridge. For me it was a stupid choice, but starvation said it was needed. Before she passed away, she handed Sem her knife, and said nothing else. Sem knew what she wanted her to do with it. Kill every pearl. Then a second later, she looked up into my evergreen eyes, gave a little nod, and passed away. I could feel the tears swelling up, and I tried to focus my mind on the present.
“We’ll get it later. But now, we need to get as far as possible,” I affirmed to her. She nodded and we both took a chance to run.
I know Sem can sprint much faster then me, and Sem is only ten years old, eleven in twelve days. However, I’m fourteen. And I run the fastest in the school, yet Sem can speed it up better. It’s a gift we can flee easily because comes in handy lots of times.
After we were about 8 miles ahead of the Prosecutors, or Mercoals, we decided to lay our body down on the dead grass, and hardy dirt. As we lay, I turned my face to hers, and stared into her eyes. I tried to make mine look strong and confident, even though inside I was terrified and tired. Her eyes were just gorgeous. They looked like my mothers. Blue, with something special in it. Nobody in the world could guess what it was, it’s just unnamable. Its like a black rose gathered on dozens and dozens of red roses. Unique. For any reason, she gave me the safe feeling.
“Rav, do you think we’re safe?” Sem asked, wiping the tears out of her eyes.
“Of course we are. Now, just close your eyes. And no one can hurt you now, you understand?” I said, tearing up myself. I watch as Sem nodded, now crying heavily.
“Rav, promise me you’ll never leave me alone,” Sem begged with the most promising face you could ever see. Now, I couldn’t say no. And I know we’ll have to go separate way sooner or later, but I can’t say no to her.
“I promise,” I answered, trying to make it as trusting as possible. I turn my face to the other side, and sleep.
About an hour later, I feel Sem’s hand shaking me heavily to wake me up. But once I finally wake, I see a man with a spear behind her…
Steven | 3 days ago
You have good, promising content here. Interesting premise. Some good things you've done with description.
Here are some complaints I have:
- I have read far too many stories that begin with the word "bang." I almost didn't bother reading it when I saw that. You should cut that and have the story with them hiding.
- You don't have to explain all the backstory about the Mercoals and Pearls in the first 100 words. That's called an info-dump. We will survive long enough to figure that out later.
- You're killing me with the elaborate dialogue tags.
- You can't seem to decide if this is happening in the past or present. Pick one and stick with it.
- ***the leader took Sem’s throwing knife. “My throwing knife,” Sem whispered*** Are you saying it twice in case we didn't see it the first time?
- The comment about Rav being the fastest runner in school took me by surprise. Kids living in this situation are attending public school?
I know it sounds like my comments are tedious, but the devil is in the details.
-We crouch down, trying to catch our breaths (i would reverse the order but that's just my opinion)
-It took me a minute to decide whether to run, or stay (remove the word me and there is no comma)
-She didn’t need anymore explanations or details to understand what I mean. (redundancy explanations and details mean the same thing remove explanations)(specify who "she" is)
-I watched as the breeze blew Sem’s bangs to side, showing her beautiful face. (keep the tense consistent)
-The bad news increased when I found out that the leader took Sem’s throwing knife (use a different word than "increased" ex: intensified)
-I remember when she was five (again who is "she")
The rest are similar to the one i noted so just go through what i said and see if you do it again. The content is good, but it needs a little fine tuning
-And Pearls,(NEVER start a sentence with: And, for, but, so, or, yet)
-Unfortunately. We were out of food (Comma not period after unfortunately)