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Read and rate the beginning of my short story?

Read and rate the beginning of my short story? Topic: Forest engineers
May 22, 2019 / By Alannah
Question: I am writing a short story for my English class, here is what I have so far, it's only the intro. We had to begin with the sentence 'Tomorrow is another day', so excuse that. Please read with an open mind. I'm looking for critique. "Tomorrow is another day, another day that, from the very first ray of sunshine that seeps through our windowpanes at dawn, will expose us to our juxtaposed Earth. There are places in our world that exemplify the true beauty of life with upmost excellence, ones that cameras are only able to capture, but never able to feel. There are moments in life that cannot be painted, nor described with words. From young and old couples alike falling in love, to the sound of laughter; from the everlasting oceans to the vibrant forests sprawling with endless life, Earth is beautiful. If a child were to be born tomorrow, exposed to our Earth, it would be not unlike a blank canvas, ready to be painted, ready to be alive. No matter where it be born, this newborn is art, it has the potential to be anything. If nurtured in such a way, if sculpted like clay, there are no limits to what this baby could achieve. Even if it be born into poverty, although unlikely, it could exceed all expectations. It could be someone great. An aeronautical engineer, perhaps. Maybe even a figure of high political importance. The next Mozart. The next Shakespeare. Contrastingly, there are places on Earth, places where the most inhumane corruption is displayed, from greed and gluttony, to theft and murder. Cruellest immorality at its finest. As aforementioned, there are no limits to this unpainted infant; it has the potential to be something wicked. A rapist, perhaps a murderer. The next Stalin. The next Hitler. Another number to add to an abortion clinics tally. This child, though unborn, is nothing, yet it is simultaneously everything." I'm going to introduce a character named Norman Smith. (his name sounds like NORMAL and Smith is a normal name). I'm going to begin with how he was born into a very rich family, and had all the potential in the world. He was considered a child prodigy, he was very, very, very smart. But, somehow, he ended up as a homeless beggar. I will then discuss the events in his life (such as his first kiss, his father's death, incidents at school, etc) that led to his life as a hobo. I will then write a tragic scene of how he dies, all alone, unloved. It's called "Turning Wine Into Water".
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Best Answers: Read and rate the beginning of my short story?

Trenton Trenton | 5 days ago
Read each of these sentences, one by one and decide if they progress the story, add detail or are just ramblings. avoid repetition (the next this, the next that) it is a sure way to bore your reader into putting down your story. I think the use of the word "rapist" is a bit inappropriate and too dark for the opening pages of a story, describing the baby as the next possible Antichrist would be more fitting although you have already mentioned Hitler who is without doubt the most well Known of the Antichrists. finally make sure all your sentences are gripping and make the reader want to read on, but don't get all melodramatic with your choice of words. also the meaning of the word juxtaposed is "To place side by side, especially for comparison or contrast" I know what you were trying to get at but I think a different word would be better suited. "Tomorrow is another day. another day that, from the very first ray of sunshine that seeps through our windowpanes at dawn, will expose us to our juxtaposed Earth. There are places in our world that exemplify the true beauty of life with UTMOST excellence, ones that cameras are only able to capture, but never able to feel. There are moments in life that cannot be painted, nor described with words. From young and old couples alike falling in love, to the sound of laughter; from the everlasting oceans to the vibrant forests sprawling with endless life, Earth is beautiful. If a child were to be born tomorrow, exposed to our Earth, it would be not unlike a blank canvas, ready to be painted, ready to be alive. No matter where it be born, this newborn is art, it has the potential to be anything. If nurtured in such a way, if sculpted like clay, there are no limits to what this baby could achieve. Even if it be born into poverty, although unlikely, it could exceed all expectations. It could be someone great. An aeronautical engineer, perhaps. Maybe even a figure of high political importance, The next Mozart or The next Shakespeare. Contrastingly, there are places on Earth, places where the most inhumane corruption is displayed, from greed and gluttony, to theft and murder. Cruellest immorality at its finest. As aforementioned, there are no limits to this unpainted infant; it has the potential to be something wicked. A rapist, perhaps a murderer, The next Stalin or The next Hitler. Another number to add to an abortion clinics tally. This child, though unborn, is nothing, yet it is simultaneously everything."
👍 138 | 👎 5
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Trenton Originally Answered: Do you like the beginning of my short story?
Wow, that was gripping and emotional. The only correction I have is a very common usage error...you use nauseous, when the proper word is nauseated. Nauseous implies that you are MAKING others sick, while nauseated implies that you are being MADE sick. Other than that it was fantastic. Best of luck!
Trenton Originally Answered: Do you like the beginning of my short story?
Any of those are a well begin. Short reports are commonly approximately the tale, now not rather a lot intensity within the characters and their most important concentration is with the clash. Most most probably you are going to wish to get into the clash truly speedy, so conversation is a well approach. Or a fast description, some thing works for you.
Trenton Originally Answered: Do you like the beginning of my short story?
i think it is really goood. and i would definetly read to find out who survives and who abby is. i hope u win the contest!!!

Reg Reg
Right now I'd provide it approximately a 6.five. It's no longer unhealthy, however demands plenty of labor proper now. First of all, if it is the establishing, do not write approximately the elements. It's a kind of cliches that is exceptional have shyed away from. Try to discover a few variety of hook or motion to get the reader worried immediately. The older sister (elder makes her sound like an ancient girl) turns out to come back out of nowhere proper now. The phrases 'the mum' are used very near in combination, possibly you would say 'their mom?' or provide her a reputation? Mix it up. No want for the colon after wanted, a semi colon is great. Small variety-O pedal. Is slothed fairly a phrase? No have got to say 'As quickly because the cat handed,' simply pass into her driving on. Maybe she would discover the observe while she will get to the cafe? 'wasn't distracted once more' is somewhat wonky proper now, you'll be able to make it larger. I'm no longer certain that fortune is stressful, perhaps inspiring? Maybe you would make her fortune gathering extra predominant, like she under no circumstances throws the observe from the cookie away? Good good fortune with it. I appreciated it and you'll be able to preserve bettering on it!
👍 50 | 👎 -1

Reg Originally Answered: Do you like the beginning of my short story?
I will give as much advice and critiquing as possible, but remember that this is all based on my amount of knowledge in the writing world, which isn't that much compared to others. I hope this will help though: I love your opening sentence. It's short, to the point, and caught my attention straight off the bat. It also sets the tone of this 5 page story, prepares the reader for what its about. The second sentence I don't love so much. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but something doesn't flow right. I'm not a genius in this area but I'll take a stab in the dark and say its the tenses. The end of the sentence seems out of place, also (the part about being in God's hands now). I would revise that sentence, change the wording around a little. This is just my opinion but, "losing the game of life" seems very cliche, like I've heard it a lot before, and it feels a little silly in this section. I think you could come up with something better than that, honestly. Be original. The second paragraph is pretty good as it is, and this is only nitpicking but you mention the word "waiting" a lot and I think you could change the sentences around a little to add some variation. Also, I would say "pretending" not "acting". The part about the waiting room also repeats the word "same" quite often. I think its safe to leave one repetitive paragraph in your story, but definitely not two in a row. (waiting and same). It's cliche to say that the time is moving slowly - hours feel like days. The part about the cape on the doctor seems a little odd to me, is it symbolistic of something? I can be dumb sometimes so maybe I just don't get it. Also, the metaphor about the world series is random. But once again - my opinion. In the next paragraph, you switch between tenses. (killed me, then my hands are) making making - you said it twice, though I bet its just a typo. The single tear thing is overused - trust me I know, its in my story too :P -- All in all, this sounds interesting, you're a good writer and I would consider reading it. All this is just my advice and its mostly nitpicking. I know that when I post things like this, I love to get as thorough of answers as possible, even if they don't help at all in the end :) Good luck with the contest!
Reg Originally Answered: Do you like the beginning of my short story?
Any of those are a well begin. Short experiences are often approximately the tale, now not particularly a lot intensity within the characters and their important concentration is with the clash. Most most likely you are going to wish to get into the clash truly speedy, so conversation is a well means. Or a rapid description, some thing works for you.

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