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Critique my VERY short story?

Critique my VERY short story? Topic: How to write a 60 second pitch
May 22, 2019 / By Alphonsine
Question: Its really short... just wanted some critique. I walked briskly out into the fresh country air and took a breath. I held it there for a second or two to take in my surroundings, and although it was nearly pitch-black, I could feel the cool wind running slowly up the beck of my neck, which in turn sent a cascade of shivers across my body. Strange weather, I thought, as it was almost 60° outside in late December. I shrugged and advanced slowly towards the silhouette of the tall iron fence separating the yard from the rolling field beyond; careful not to run into any unsuspecting trees along the way. When I reached it, I clasped one of the clammy bars and heaved myself up until I was sitting comfortably on top, and look around. Darkness seemed to envelop everything below me as there was no moon out that night, though I could still see the old barn in the distance. I had a sudden wave of fear, and tucked the ivory jacket closer to me. After a moment of thought, I smiled at my childishness (although my grip on the jacket didn’t falter), and looked up. It was then that I remembered why I loved to come to that spot. The sky was almost completely colorless- so black that you could lose yourself just looking at it – and more stars than I could have ever thought possible. I gave it a minute to sink in before returning to my original mission. I turned swiftly and held my breath once more. There it was. It was exactly where it had always been, and where I hoped it would always be. “Star light, star bright…” I began softly, and repeated my familiar wish over in my head.
Best Answer

Best Answers: Critique my VERY short story?

Van Van | 9 days ago
Promising as a start to a story, but as a stand alone, the ending misses the mark -- perhaps there is something I missed in the introduction. You need paragraphs, and should try to make your sentences flow better. Keep writing, keep trying. Don't let the idiots discourage you. A six word novel: "Charlie, your leg! How?" "Bit off."
👍 246 | 👎 9
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Van Originally Answered: Can anyone critique this for me? (Really short story)?
I agree also agree with Persiphone and PJ M. 'She' has been overly used. Not using a name adds a bit of.. mystique, but using the same pronoun repeatedly as a replacement makes the story very bland and unexciting. As I was reading, this short story presented itself, in my mind at least, as more of a grocery list than an actual short story. Also, I'm not sure if this was intended or not, but the story is told from first person point of view. However, the person who is apparently hiding in her closet knows a lot -- too much for someone who's been squatting quietly in a closet, waiting for the protagonist to arrive. Maybe he's a stalker? Could be. Another major problem that should be addressed is the lack of a plot. What is the point of the story? Untill about the last few lines, all you really hear/read/see is "blah blah blah," a lot of unecessary background information. You give a lot of information about the protagonist, but why? Is it important, somehow? I don't see how, if this is the entire story. Though the information about her, is plentiful little of it actually makes me CARE about her. So she went to college, so she switched majors, so she likes to play with her hair, so what? That isn't going to make me cry when/if she dies. That isn't going to make me leap for joy if she survives a robbery or attempted murder or whatever it is that the ending (if it is the ending) implies. There was a part of the story in which it was said she had blubbered like a baby after being fired from a job. Why not expand on that? From the way it sounded, either she was truly a big baby or she really loved her job. So which was it? Lately, I've been browsing blogs of literary agents, and such. I see a lot of "Show, don't tell." You're telling. Instead of just flat out giving away information, it would be much more intriguing if you were to show the actions of the character and let the reader draw conclusions for his or herself. The overall hitch I find with the story is that you overwhelm the reader with information and most of that information has no true content, no meat-- in other words, not true purpose for being there. However, I do like the ending... very much, in fact. It's mysterious and it allows readers to speculate on what really happened. Was she murdered? Raped? Kidnapped and taken to another dimension? Pleasantly surprised by a son or daughter? Now, before you decide to hunt me down, tie me to a bed post, rip my eyes of their sockets and devour my heart; I would like to redirect you to the title of this Yahoo Question. You may hate me with a fevert passion now, but I did exactly as you asked: I critiqued you. I would also like to point out that my lone opinion does represent everyone's. As you can plainly see, there are previous answers which praised your work. So take my critiques as you wish.

Roman Roman
A nice story - I especially loved the ending. However, there's a few changes I would make. If it were my own story, I would make the following changes: I walked briskly out into the fresh country air and took a deep breath. I held it in my chest for a second and paused take in my surroundings. Although it was nearly pitch-black, I could feel the cool wind running slowly up the back of my neck, which in turn sent a cascade of shivers across my body. Strange weather, I thought. It was too cold for late December. I shrugged and advanced slowly towards the silhouette of the tall iron fence separating the yard from the rolling field beyond, careful not to run into any unsuspecting trees along the way. When I reached it, I clasped one of the clammy bars and heaved myself up until I was sitting comfortably on top, and I looked around. Darkness seemed to envelop everything below me. It was a moonless night, but I could still see the old barn in the distance. A sudden wave of fear rolled over me, and tucked the ivory jacket closer to my body. After a moment of thought, I smiled at my childishness (although my grip on the jacket didn’t falter), and looked up. It was then that I remembered why I loved to come to that spot. The sky was completely colorless- so black that you could lose yourself just looking at it – and more stars than I could have ever thought possible. I gave it a minute to sink in before returning to my original mission. I turned swiftly and held my breath once more. There it was, exactly where it had always been, and where I hoped it would always be. “Star light, star bright…” I began softly, and repeated my familiar wish over in my head. I hope that helped. A really lovely story though. I wonder, does the story continue?
👍 100 | 👎 3

Mitchell Mitchell
Hey, I thought it might be interesting to just edit your story a bit and repost, although I still can't figure out what the thing is you are looking at right at the end: I stepped out into the fresh country air and took a deep breath. I held it there for a second or two to take in my surroundings, and although it was nearly pitch-black, I could feel the cool wind running slowly up the back of my neck, which in turn sent a cascade of shivers across my body. Strange weather, I thought, as it was almost sixty degrees outside in late December. I shrugged and advanced slowly towards the silhouette of the tall iron fence separating the yard from the rolling field beyond; careful not to bump into any unsuspecting trees along the way. When I reached it, I clasped one of the clammy bars in each hand and heaved myself up until I was sitting comfortably on top, and look around. Darkness seemed to envelop everything below me as there was no moon out that night, though I could still see the old barn in the distance. I had a sudden wave of fear, and tucked the ivory jacket closer to me. After a moment of thought, I smiled at my childishness (although my grip on the jacket didn’t falter), and looked up. It was then that I remembered why I loved to come to that spot. The sky was like a vast canvas filled with twinkling stars and infinite possibilities. I could lose myself for hours just looking at it. I gave it a minute to sink in before returning to my original mission. I turned slightly and held my breath once more. There it was. It was exactly where it had always been, and where I hoped it would always be. “Star light, star bright…” I began softly, and repeated my familiar wish over in my head.
👍 92 | 👎 -3

Kameron Kameron
No offence, but it seems like the other answers don't really know what they're talking about. Especailly the one who said it was barely a paragraph. You were doing the short story 50 words on purpose. It's interesting if you take the time to read it. At first I skimmed, and didn't really get it. Like a knock-knock joke. So the characters John and Jennifer walked into a room, found a fellow collage student on the ground, bloodied with a knife beside it, and...surprise? Suprise as in a haloween trick? If I could advice you to change one thing, it'd be the first sentence. Something short, but still grabbing. The simpistic language turned on my 'skim reflex'. EDIT: Amber, you're not an author. You're only a writer, and most likely an amature at that. You've only self published a book, and anyone can do that. No matter how crappy it is. My eight year old neighbor self-published a story book, but that doesn't mean she has the right to parade around like she owns the publishing buisness. I think you need to get off your high horse
👍 84 | 👎 -9

Haven Haven
Do you want an honest answer? Or do you want someone to tell you it's a great story? If the latter, stop reading now. If the former, then here it is. This is not a story. It isn't even a vignette. It's a descriptive paragraph. In order to be a story, there must be conflict, and resolution. There is neither in what you have written. You obviously have the potential to be a writer, because you do some nice descriptive writing, but it takes more than that to make a story. This about what might happen to your character while s/he is sitting on the fence chanting 'star light' etc. Think about the background - what has driven/lured/coaxed your central character to this point? In other words, find some dramatic impetus for what is happening. Hope this helps
👍 76 | 👎 -15

Eliab Eliab
*Please excuse length. Awfully long, isn't it? Sorry; might help, though. Suggest you write in active-voice rather than passive-voice used here. A very simple example of passive vs. active voice is found in Wiki: --Passive: "The cheese was eaten by the mouse." --Active: "The mouse ate the cheese." --Other indicators of passive-voice are these: --(a) Lots of prepositions and prepositional phrases. Some are: out, into, there, for, or, to, in, although, up, of, which, in, of, across. Lots here already, 2 sentences, see? I don't include prep. phrases. Too many preps slow a reader down. Elimination is the best fix for too many preps and prep phrases. --(b) Lots of adverbs. Some are: 'briskly,' 'nearly,' slowly,' 'clammy,' 'comfortably,' more. Adverbs spotted by '-ly' words after verbs. Too many slow a reader down. Elimination is the best fix for too many adverbs. --(c) Passive verb forms. Some are: 'took a breath,' 'held it there,' 'take in,' 'running,' more. Too many slow a reader down. These are spotted usually by '-ing' but also because of unneeded words. The duplication, as example in: 'could feel,' 'seemed to envelop' and 'more stars than I could have ever thought' are passive verb forms. Too many slow a reader down. They can be fixed, for example, through elimination and a bit of a switch: 'felt,' 'enveloped,' 'I saw innumerable stars.' All verbs must be active to keep readers engaged. These things are yours to re-work as you choose. I point them out because a great editor did the same for me. Fiction becomes a joy to write once poor habits are recognized. --One brief quote from "Strunk and White: The Elements of Style"-- "Omit unneeded words." Your paragraph (no story here I see yet) will improve. Recall: every writer does several re-writes. Don't worry. You can do it. Free of unneeded words, your story will be told. Best of luck in all your endeavors!
👍 68 | 👎 -21

Chad Chad
Honestly, I really liked reading your story and didn't want to stop! Though, I think you should create an actual story with this. You have ALL THE POTENTIAL. I would know as a writer myself. Send it to me if you decide to lengthen it, please: [email protected]
👍 60 | 👎 -27

Alonzo Alonzo
I liked the storyline, but felt it too cluttered, as if your description was too descriptive. Can't anything be just dark, can't the jacket just be a jacket?
👍 52 | 👎 -33

Alonzo Originally Answered: Could you please Critique my short story?
Thats well written for an 8th grader!! just a few punctuation and grammer mistakes. id rate it 6/10.

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