Is this piece of writing good?
Topic: How to write about yourself examples biotic
July 19, 2019 / By Annis Question:
A lot of people say water can’t speak, tree’s don’t communicate and nature can’t have emotions. Their all wrong.
I’ve lived in Hawaii my entire life and from living here, I’ve learned that water does speak as long as you listen. Tree’s do communicate, you just have to have patience. And nature, well how can anyone say nature does not have emotions when She clearly expresses them every day.
I breathe in the moist and chill air of the Pacific. While five crab’s scuttle across the sand, I dip my toe into the salted, warm water.
How was your night of sleep, Melanie?
“Great, but you were crashing all night long. Everything okay?” I answer back.
No answer, just a soft, little ripple.
”You can tell me you know, if somethings wrong. I owe you for all the time’s you were there to listen to me. The moon was full last night, is that why your waves were so hard?” Sometimes when you beg a little, you can get the water to open up a little. But this is rare, because water mostly likes to keep to itself and just flow along.
Still no answer. Must have been a rough night I guess.
“Alright. Well, I hope you feel better. Just wanted to come out and say good morning. See ya tonight.”
You probably think I’m weird. Or maybe even crazy. But I swear I’m not. Hawaii may seem like a picture perfect place and nature wise it is. But it gets lonely. Sure, I have a few childhood friends, my Mom, my brothers and my sisters, but I have problems trusting any of them. No, I mean I can trust them, but I have an issue where one individual can know some things about me, but can never know everything.
I think because of this, I turn to nature for help. I talk to the water. The Pacific is the only one in the world that knows all my secrets, feelings, etc. I trust the water more then I trust my family. I also turn to the tree’s to, for guidance. I just have to listen to their communications and they help me in way’s I can’t understand. In nature anything and every thing talks, whether their biotic or abiotic. Everything talks and every thing communicates in their unique ways.
“Melanie! Wash the sand off your feet before you come in.”
“And don’t forget you have a doctors appointment have school!”
“Yeah, okay Mom.”
“Oh and Melanie!”
“Yeah, Mom.” I roll my eyes. This happens every morning and the only reason I deal with it is because, well because it’s my Mom.
“Don’t forget to take out the garage and the bus is coming in five minutes.”
Best Answers: Is this piece of writing good?
Yahveh | 4 days ago
You've got massive grammatical issues with this. I'll try to correct them as best as I can.
~ Please note. While at times my corrections may seem harsh, I am doing this to help you grow and develop as a writer, not to be spiteful. So please don't send me any hate mail. ~
1. "A lot of people say water can’t speak, tree’s don’t communicate and nature can’t have emotions. Their all wrong."
You seriously need to figure out the use and purpose of an apostrophe. They go there to replace a letter that has been left out, usually an "i". They are also used to show that an object belongs to a person or a group of people.
The easiest way to test if your apostrophe usage is correct, do this: Replace the apostrophe with an "i" and see if it makes sense. For example:
"Tree is don't communicate."
See? That's utterly nonsensical. There's also not object that can be owned by the trees in this sentence, so that use is also ruled out.
2. I'm not going to repeat myself over and over again about the whole apostrophe thing (the same problem is in almost every sentence of your work) so I'm just going to move onto the next issue.
You're not describing the way you should be. Sure there are little tidbits of description scattered here and there, but not nearly enough to paint a clear picture of what's happening in your reader's mind.
3. How was your night of sleep, Melanie?
When you say that without quotation marks, it's pretty hard for the reader to understand exactly what's happening straight away. If you absolutely don't want to use quotation marks, you could do something like this:
The sea called my name, asking how my sleep had been.
Etc etc. Obviously that's a very basic sentence, but you can elaborate on it.
4. "Hawaii may seem like a picture perfect place and nature wise it is"
You needed a comma in this sentence, between "place" and "and".
5. "No, I mean I can trust them, but I have an issue where one individual can know some things about me, but can never know everything."
That's really convoluted. Try saying the same thing, but with less words.
6. "No, I mean I can trust them, but I have an issue where one individual can know some things about me, but can never know everything."
Never use "etc" in a narrative. You're not giving a speech, you're writing a novel. Description is not the enemy.
7. Okay, this dialogue between Melanie and her mother I really dislike. You need to have description of some form between each sentence. Like...
"Melanie! Wash the sand off your feet before you come in," my mother called out. The sound of her voice echoed off the hallways, and it was oddly soothing. I did as she said, gently wiping the sand off my feet with the rough towel by the door."
Or SOMETHING. Again that's really basic, just use your imagination.
8. "This happens every morning and the only reason I deal with it is because, well because it’s my Mom."
That's completely unnecessary. It adds nothing to the story, and it wouldn't really make a difference if you left it out.
Overall, the idea is nice. It's original. You just need to work on your spelling, grammar, vocabularly and sentence structure. You can do this by studying literary techniques that authors employ in novels. Just read a few books, and make sure you take notice of everything they do. Your writing will improve drastically if you do.
👍 216 | 👎 4
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We found more questions related to the topic: How to write about yourself examples biotic
Originally Answered: Is this a good piece of writing?
Being 15 is no excuse. Obviously you write differently than a 40-year old because of your inexperience, but still. Revise your text before you post it.
- Tenses seem to vary in your text. Pick one and stick with it. (He SAYS or he SAID.)
- Add description and info. Your characters seem to suddenly end up somewhere and there's dialogue that seems quite ridiculous considering the situation.
Delilah accuses Lecaro of being rude and having no pulse, but you don't give her any reason to do those things. Make Lecaro do or say something smug and then she can call him rude. Consistency.
- Know your characters. In this short text Delilah seems very conflicted. First she mutters very childishly the Rude Rudesen -thing. Suddenly she's got the nerve to look Lecaro in the eye and accuse him of having no pulse. Where did the sudden boldness come from? How old is she?
- I noticed your text lacks credibility. I don't know the setting of your story, but even if it was a fantasy/sci-fi/mystery/drama etc, it feels implausible. A strange man comes in their house. Why does he just sits at the table, why not talk to the father alone? Why won't the father say anything? How come Delilah thinks he has no pulse? And why would Lecaro argue with a (little?) girl? Seems like he should be above that.
- Adverbs. Don't use them so much (that's a common advice). Rather than saying "hastily", "defensively", "swiftly" etc, you can show your reader how they answer.
"He’s a contract worker,” Lecaro says. He doesn't even blink. It's like he's expecting me to doubt him.
^ then there's the question of how doesn't the daughter know what his father does for a living?
- Put your text into paragraphs. It makes it much easier to read. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/606/1/
- Periods and commas go inside the quotation marks. "I can't live like this," I said.
- Read in order to improve your writing skills. Write in order to improve your writing skills.
I'm not trying to discourage you, not in any way. These are just tips you could/should use in order to improve your writing. Best of luck. Try editing this text and then compare the two of them. I hope you'll see the difference.
Now, just to make a point:
Sleeping that night was near impossible, I woke at every gust of wind and every creak that house made. By the morning I was non-functional one word sentences “good morning” said my father annoyingly cheerful “sure”. I sat down at the dining table eggs and bacon is seated in front of me “serious” I wine yet I was still hungry enough to eat it. I scoff the food into my mouth like a bear after hibernation, not even a knife and fork. “Slow down it’s not your last meal!!” My father says grinning “I’m not usually allowed food like this greasy and gross” I said with my mouth filled with food.
Sleeping that night was near impossible. I woke at every gust of wind and every creak that house made. In the morning I was simply non-functional. My eyelids felt heavy and my bones were aching. I felt like an 80-year old woman.
I walked downstairs and sat at the dining table. My father had been up for god knows how long, and he brought me a plate of eggs and bacon.
"Good morning," he said. His voice was unnecessarily cheerful at 8 am in the morning.
"Sure," I said. My brain wasn't willing to form anything but one word sentences yet. I stared at my plate my stomach growling like an animal. This was a special treat. I usually ate cereals or yoghurt, but eggs and bacon - no. It wasn't even my birthday. I scoff the food into my mouth like a bear after hibernation, not even using a knife and fork.
“Slow down, it’s not your last meal,” my father grinned and sat on the other side of the table.
“I’m not usually allowed to eat food this greasy and gross” I said with my mouth full. I had completely forgotten what bacon tasted like. It was like heaven after fiber-rich yet cardboard-like cereals.
"Who says you're not?"
"I do. I wouldn't fit in my clothes if I ate like this every day."
Yahoo won't let me intend the first line of my paragraph, so I hit enter after paragraphs.
Not a bad beginning and I like that it's in the present tense. There are a few grammatical errors (they're and the plural of trees has no apostrophe) but nothing that can't be fixed quickly.
The first chapter is way too short and you don't need a prologue. Include 'A lot of people say water can't speak' in the first chapter. When you start something, it's good to think 'today's the day that...' and fill in the blank. It should be that something changes for the main character or something happens that the character has to deal with. Right now, while it's written well, it's just a little bland because it's like an average day for this character. It just needs a little oomph somehow.
Also, no I don't think the character's weird. Why would I? Don't address the reader in your writing, it's manipulative and pulls me out of momentum. You want to create a world that pulls the reader in and by saying 'you,' it makes me start thinking too much. It's not necessary and distracting.
Still it was a nice read and enjoyable and you created a nice mood with it. Good luck, hope I helped!
👍 90 | 👎 -2
Put it aside for two years, then answer your own question.
In the meantime, learn where to use apostrophes, improve your spelling, avoid turns of phrase like "I have an issue" which will very soon sound very dated; and get rid of the "the only reason I deal with it" which sounds so juvenile - how DO you deal with someone being helpful, and reminding you of the things that teenagers forget?
The present tense can become very very tiresome after 100 pages or so, as someone has said - and if you are planning a nvel, rather than a short story, it will drive readers mad.
"I have a few childhood friends" sounds as if the narrator is trying to imply that childhood is behind her, when every other line screams that the narrator is still at school.
👍 87 | 👎 -8
I think this will make for an interesting story! It's a very good start. Obviously it is a work-in-progress, so there will be some editing issues. One person gave very good input on those. Continue with your writing. I'm not sure if you will be taking a fictional account only or if you will be combining real life ocean problems with it. If you are going to take an enviromentalist approach, make sure to do some research! It will add depth to the story. I would definitely love to read the finished product!
👍 84 | 👎 -14
I like it! It's a really interesting idea.
Just a few grammatical/spelling points:
"Their all wrong." -> "They're all wrong"
"In nature anything and every thing talks, whether their biotic or abiotic." -> again, "they're" not "their", and "every thing" should be one word.
"biotic and abiotic" - this phrase sounds a bit repetitive. It also sort-of contradicts what you've just said, as you've been suggesting that all parts of nature are "alive" in some way (and abiotic = non living). I don't think it's that necessary either, so you could just take that part out, so it simply reads: "In nature anything and everything talks".
“Don’t forget to take out the garage ” -> "Don't forget to take out the garbage"
Hope this made some sense :P
👍 81 | 👎 -20
Originally Answered: What makes a piece of writing "good"?
1. Paper for a class/seminar/etc. - Good grammar, solid arguement, ability to capture one's attention in the first paragraph, consistent, stays on subject, does not add extra or repeat things throughout, good transitions, solid conclusion that wraps up the paper and sums up the point, answers the question if there is one, CLEAR
2. Poetry - Anything can be considered good as long as there is a meaning. Just like writing anything, it has to have a point. You don't just write poetry. There are emotions, attachments, and secrets that lie within it.
3. Books/Stories - Being able to capture one's attention (or a certain audiences attention...like if you were writing a book about dinosaurs...the audience of people who like dinosaurs and want to learn morea about them would enjoy your book), having a plot (interesting...hopefully)