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Give me your opinion on these lyrics?

Give me your opinion on these lyrics? Topic: Chain case stay
May 22, 2019 / By Arlie
Question: Verse 1: I'm alone in the dark In this constant war And the people I love Only want it more Consumed in my room The light shining moon And the fumes stay in tune Advancing to my doom This chain reaction Man built contraption Created and manifested By hate thoughts in action This is your doing Why can't you understand All these things that you demand Will never reach your hand I'm tired of this scene Watching you beg and scream Wallowed up in the sorrow Of your self sympathy You see what you want Like you have before So you might as well forget About the hearts you tore Time moves on And your clock stays still Think what you could've done Instead of making this real Every step that you take Makes the path unclear Every second that you waste Is blood shed and tears Verse 2: You feel it in your chest As you swallow this pain You're not the only one Who's caught in the rain You scream to be free From this hell we face Is it hard for you to see That your problems are the case Within this fight You betrayed your own And you lost that little glimmer That would guide you home You don't care anymore And your self pity mind Let us rust before We can spread the word To regain your soul and open up the gate To your broken core But it's not too late And i can see it clear All the fear that you have For those you hold dear Move to a place Where light shines to grace And erase the battle Thats rattling your faith Every step that we take Makes the fog disappear Every second we create Eliminates the fear Sorry for the length... I'm pretty new to writing and this is the only song I have come close to finishing. I've tried to make two other songs before but I just left them... I accept any criticism as long as it's criticism that I can improve from. Genre: Along the lines of Rap and Hip-Hop Inspiration: Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park Reposted for more answers... There is no chorus yet. Still in the works, like i said.
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Best Answers: Give me your opinion on these lyrics?

Zechariah Zechariah | 3 days ago
Overall, it's good. I like the choice of words and you appealed to all the senses. The rhyme scheme and rhythm is easily recognizable though you seem to switch it up sometimes. But the good thing about a song is that it doesn't necessarily need to be consistent throughout. There are some lines that are kind of awkward and questionable. Also certain stanzas are confusing and although they may sound nice, I would suggest you modify them. Lines and stanzas such as: Consumed in my room --------- consumed followed by in would suggest there's something else in the room consuming you or else it should be "consumed by my room". but if it is something else, you should follow this line with a "by...(whether its the light of the moon or the fumes but you would have to indicate it with a "by" The light shining moon --------- when someone refers to something shining, it's assumed that it's light that's shining so by describing something as "light shining (fill in the blank)" sounds kind of awkward. And the fumes stay in tune ------- "fume stay in tune" in tune to wat? music? fumes and tunes don't quite makes sense to me Advancing to my doom -------- i would assume the fumes are advancing but this line is kind of cliche so I would challenge you to come up with something better. As an afterthought, what's advancing? are u advancing towards the doom or is the doom advancing towards you? By hate thoughts in action -------I get what you're trying to say but hate thoughts sounds awkward and i line sounds grammatically bad. "By hated thoughts put in action" would be better but i guess it messes up the rthythm with so many extra syllables. Like you have before ------- I would suggest " like you have done before" I would continue giving my opinons of the rest of it but I got to go. These are just my suggestions so take it as you will. This song has great potential but there are areas that can be modified to make it even better. Well keep up the good work.
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Zechariah Originally Answered: Opinion on these lyrics (first time writing song lyrics!)?
well i live with a musician and usually if he doesnt complete a song in a week from starting it he throws it out... maybe thats just him. so other than it being short, cool, fool, school typical first song rhyming. Also rhyming 3 words makes it awkward Do you have back up lyrics. I think (and this is based on how i imagined it sounding which is deff differant than yours) but something about the queen repeating Your vocabulary... i mean songs arent meant to be big words but "cool" "crap"(i no u said ud change it) "star" Regina (spelling) is the latin word for queen i feel like if at some point u said her name u should substitute it with that (Regina is also a fairly common name) Using her auctuall name could only create conflict in ur personal life
Zechariah Originally Answered: Opinion on these lyrics (first time writing song lyrics!)?
out of all the lyrics i had to read or is really good but it might not sound so good if u dont find the right beat to gao with it if u do find a good beat put it out there and let the world listen so good luck with ur music writing

Simeon Simeon
you will might desire to repair them extremely bit and located them in unique lines, so the %. would not distinction too much. particular, and take a seem at to lead them to rhyme. additionally. "-weapons and ammunition" once you're a tyrant and armed you're relatively to have ammo. in any different case, it relatively is effective!
👍 120 | 👎 -3

Omri Omri
Looks good, although it would be better if you had a clear chorus. EDIT:: And you also said that you accepted constructive criticism...
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Omri Originally Answered: What is your honest opinion on these lyrics i wrote?
I like them(: && maybe you could call the song "lock down". since you know, you say it in the chorus and stuff. wow, that sounded dumb. not the lyrics, my answer, lmfao.

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