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Read this and tell me if its as good essay?

Read this and tell me if its as good essay? Topic: Facts and arguments essays
July 19, 2019 / By Basemath
Question: critics say that the protesters are the people to blame for the kent state massacre but with All the facts gathered they all point to the guardsmen as the people responsible for it. On May 4th 1970. 2,000 people gathered at Kent State University in Ohio. they gathered to protest against Nixon's expansion of the war. When Campus Police and Guardsmen went to the students ion a jeep he read them an order of disperse that said that if they didn't leave they would be arrested. when the police said this the protesters got mad at started throwing rocks at the jeep so they left. Later the guardsmen returned and ordered the disperse. When the protesters refused they guards used tear gas but because of the wind the tear gas didn't affect the students but they got mad and started throwing rocks at the guards and throwing back the tear gas. the guards felt threatened and started shooting there riffles for 13seconds. during those 13 seconds there were 67 shots, 4 people dead, 9 wounded. After reading this you may think that it was the protesters fault because they provoked the guardsmen into shooting but its not. its the guardsmen. the guardsmen shouldn't have been there in the first place. just because you feel threatened it doesn't mean that you should start shooting. -And i wrote the whole thing(:
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Best Answers: Read this and tell me if its as good essay?

Adelia Adelia | 9 days ago
In spite of some claims to the contrary, it was the National Guardsmen and not the protesters who were at fault for the Kent State massacre. On May 4th, 1970, about two thousand people gathered at Kent State University in Ohio to protest President Nixon's expansion of the War in Viet Nam. National Guardsman joined the campus police in trying to dispel the crowd. Speaking from a jeep, (NAME THE PERSON OR GIVE HIS RANK. DON'T CALL HIM "HE") read an order to disperse or face arrest. Protesters responded by throwing rocks (CAN YOU QUANTIFY THIS REACTION? WERE THERE LOTS OF ROCKS? JUST A FEW? WERE ANY SOLDIERS INJURED?) The Guardsmen left but later (HOW MUCH LATER?) returned and again ordered the crowd to disperse. When the students refused to disperse, the Guardsmen fired tear gas, but because of the wind, the students were unaffected. The protesters responded by again throwing rocks, as well as throwing the tear gas canisters back at the Guardsmen. At this point the Guardsmen (DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY INDIVIDUAL SOLDIERS OPENED FIRE?) fired 67 rifle rounds in 13 seconds. They wounded nine protesters and killed four. Probably he National Guardsmen felt threatened by the rock-throwing, but nevertheless it was an over-reaction to have fired into a crowd of student protesters. DEAR STUDENT: YOUR ESSAY DOES NOT PRESENT ENOUGH OF AN ARGUMENT TO DEFEND YOUR THESIS STATEMENT THAT THE GUARD WAS AT FAULT AND NOT THE STUDENTS. SIMPLY "SAYING SO" IS NOT AN ARGUMENT. AT THE LAST MINUTE, YOU STARTED TO SAY THAT THE PRESENCE OF THE GUARDSMEN WAS IN ITSELF UNJUSTIFIED, BUT 1) YOU DID NOT DEVELOP THAT IDEA 2) IT DOES NOT DEMONSTRATE THAT THE SHOOTINGS WERE AN UNWARRANTED RESPONSE I THINK YOU SHOULD STRESS THE GENERAL PEACEFULNESS OF THE CROWD, AND THE VERY LOW LEVEL OF THREAT INVOLVED IN THROWING A COUPLE OF BOTTLES AND ROCKS AT SOLDIERS IN FULL GEAR. YOU ALSO OMITTED SOME OF THE DRAMA -- AN ORDER TO "FIRE!" BY AN OFFICER -- DID IT REALLY HAPPEN? WHAT WAS THE OUTCOME OF ANY LEGAL HEARINGS TO ESTABLISH FAULT?
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Adelia Originally Answered: Read my essay and tell me what you think - College essay on any subject. huge help! I'm not good at writing?
Being a College essay, I'll tell you the truth- it's kind of poor. I felt like I was reading a diary entry. You added a lot of unnecessary information that could have been told in maybe 3/4 of what you wrote. I honestly got through it halfway and got bored. Also, the first sentence of an essay should be some kind of grabber, to grab the audience's attention. Try stating it as a question of some sort. I think a lot of revising is needed. You have a wonderful story, the writing is just not up to par. Hopefully this doesn't come across as to offend you in any way, I really don't mean to imply it in such a way. Good luck with everything~ Edit- I think your biggest problem is not being able to get your point across in a few words, try working on that a little and see how it goes. Second, your essay is out of order at the part where you said you "randomly chose friends from your sister's Myspace, and that was how you met the man that is your husband today." No. It should be more something like- you randomly chose friends from your sister's Myspace and one particular picture outshone the rest, is this what you call love at first sight? Of course writing in terms of "I" because it's your essay. But mess up the words like that to make it seem interesting. As a College essay, try using various words... bigger words. Try a thesaurus. Having a wider range of vocabulary words can make your point get across easier, and make the essay itself sound better. Instead of using "blunt", you can use "candid". Sorry, I'm in an AP English course right now and we read and go over a lot of essays and point out all the downfalls about it, so I may be a little pickier than the norm.

Taylor Taylor
You need to take the time to edit this, there are multiple errors in it that can be easily fixed by you. The essay itself is a bit light on details. Who are these critics who blame the protesters? Who read the dispersal notice? What happened afterwards, was anyone charged with an offence? It's not bad, but it could be a lot better.
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Peterkin Peterkin
Only use numbers for dates. All the other ones use the word form (thirteen, four, two thousand, etc) Use commas and elaborated words; not choppy sentences. Be detailed in your speaking. Use paragraphs and explain why this happened. It's more like a summary, not an "essay."
👍 72 | 👎 -3

Lux Lux
its good but eliminate the short choppy sentences. Instead, elaborate and use comas and connecting words like 'therefore'. Good job writing though- what grade are you in??
👍 64 | 👎 -9

Lux Originally Answered: Can some one good with essay please read over my arugment essay and tell me what you think? please?
Since you mention up the 14th amendment, you should also bring up Loving v. Virginia since they go hand-in-hand when dealing with marriage. (first source link) Your last paragraph is lengthy. You may want to cut it down or separate it (one paragraph about religion, another about procreation). I would also go over it again for punctuation corrections / changes (ie: first / second sentence of last paragraph. Starting a sentence with "but" irks me). Overall, good essay.

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