Detailed question for mature adults (pls help havent gotten many responses)?
Topic: Pursued to a conclusion
July 18, 2019 / By Bessie Question:
I have this friend ive known over a year we'd been dating for a couple months. She has a tendency to 'freeze up' and drop everything to pursue other options (not other guys) when she starts to get close to someone. Her and I like each other very much and have had alot of romantic times together, even just last week... but shes feeling herself doing it again. She said that a few months back she realized she was the problem... that it wasnt that she was meeting the wrong people it was just, but that she had a problem and didnt know how to fix it. She knows I care about her very much... Id do anything for her and its clear that I have strong feelings for her... she also admits to having very strong feelings for me. I want her to know Im there for her and I still want to see where our relationship will go. She said she hopes im the one that can break her out of this funk, but feels like its not fair to me with the hot and cold treatment she gives.
I dont mind the hot/cold... Im used to it, i've learned to embrace the fluctuations and have accepted it as a part of who she is and I love it.
Alot of the aforementioned information came to light in a conversation I had with her last night when she said she wanted to explain why she had been acting weird... said she had been really busy and stressed and burnt out, but also addressed the things I listed above. Its as though after a certain amount of time a trigger goes off in her head and makes her completely change her focus in life. One minute she cant stop thinking about me... next thing you know I havent crossed her mind in a couple of days. Just a couple weeks ago she told me she was lucky I never gave up on her.
Its clear she needs space but I dont want to EVER give up... I told her this and then asked if I could kiss her... she said yes I could and I did... when I pulled away I said I hope I'm the guy that breaks her out of her "funk" and then kissed her again for a second... when I did this she said "I hope you are too"... she couldnt stop smiling at this point, but the fact remained that she was very confused. I told her I want to still kiss her and hold her when I see her and that I expect to still see her quite a bit because I "still like [her] and I know [she] still likes me". To this she said 'okay'.
1) Does it sound like if I play my cards right I'll have a chance
2) What do I do from here?
3) What did her reaction mean when she said "i hope so too".... shes very genuine and honest but I dont know if she got caught up in the moment or what? Would she say that if she really wanted me to give up on her?
Best Answers: Detailed question for mature adults (pls help havent gotten many responses)?
Afrikah | 6 days ago
1) You are letting her know that she is not alone, and that can go a far way in terms of a relationship here. I would say your chances will be good here, it's really a question of when it will happen.
2) I think you need to play it a little safe, don't force anything, and let her come to you in time. Stay supportive and sweet with here, be by her side.
3) I think it was a little in the heat of the moment when she said that, but it wasn't a lie. I think she is feeling that for you it's just she may not be completely positive. Unfortunatly it takes time for some people to get to that conclusion. I honest think she does have feelings for you and she just hates not being able to be fully there for you. Stick in there with her, she just needs more time dude.
👍 280 | 👎 6
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I'm no expert but if someone is truly into you a relationship doesn't run hot one day and cold the next. There is fluctuation in a relationship but normally there is no "freeze up".
I'm sure your friend isn't out to hurt you. I think she is confused about what she wants (might have troubles that need therapy) and maybe being a friend and shoulder to her is all you are meant to be. I'm not saying she isn't sincere but I wouldn't want to see you hang around for her and possibly pass up a woman who would treat you like gold.
As for what to do, you know her better than anyone on here. However, if I were you, I wouldn't be trying to play my cards right. What I would do is be a shoulder for her, but at the same time tell her that I was going to be a good friend and be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on but I wouldn't be a boyfriend until she sorted out her emotions a bit. You don't deserve to have this run hot and then cold. As for her saying she hoped you were the one to break her funk, I think she is confused about what she wants and didn't want to hurt you.
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as you've stated it, that seems to have been a very open communication between the two of you. it's good for her to see you stick around as long and as well as you have. she now knows that she can trust you to be there, and not to run off... also by her telling you what her issues are, then you also aren't blindly following - you know that she just needs more space for a little while, and then she will be back.
i think you should trust her for what she says. i wish i had a gentleman who was as patient, open, and willing to step aside from time to time, as you are. keep trying. let her step away, and then follow her to show her that you'll still be there. she'll appreciate it. and then, hopefully, she'll get to where she doesn't feel the need to fight it so... but that may take time, years even. so don't rush her.
and if she tells you one day to just leave her alone. try again. when she's had a break, and she should be accepting you (based on your 'routine') and she's not still... then you can be safe in letting her go. maybe she doesn't want the happiness that you have to offer. but until then, keep trying!
btw- i think i may love you... if she doesn't work out, let me know if you want to wait for me and my mood-swings! lol -- best of luck with her.
👍 115 | 👎 -6
Sounds to me like she either has commitment phobia (trust issues) or she's playing a sick, manipulating game with your emotions. My best suggestion and what may seem like the most logical thing to do is give her space. You even said it yourself..."Its clear she needs space but I don't want to EVER give up.." ((((NOT GOOD))) As much as it really really hurts, you gotta give her that space, dude. Its for the sake of your dignity and emotional well-being. She's having fun pulling the strings, if it's not anything else mentally serious. Your not. Also, once you lay low for a while, it may give her the time to realize what she's missing out on. Oh..and the ans. to #3 - she got caught up in the moment, dude.
👍 110 | 👎 -12
Wow, did you check your luggage at the airport? Cus this chick has a lot of carry-on baggage. My guess is that she has some kind of "abandonment issues" Daddy probably....
As for her "hot cold" actions. I would attribute that to her probably having borderline personality disorder (BPD).... could be be bipolar, but I'm not feeling that as much from what you said.
And for you to put up with that, and be "used to doing that", you probably have something a little messed up in your early life as well.
So the diagnosis is... EVERYONE is ****** up. What do you do about it? Well... theres always meds, or just seeing where the next few months goes. But if in a few months, if nothing has changed, I would look into some professional help "for yourself", not for both of you together, but individually.
Sorry to be a party-pooper, but thats what I'm feelin.... best of luck!
👍 105 | 👎 -18